I’ve put off writing about the end. I knew it was coming, we’ve all known for months. We got a reprieve of sorts, this virus, that cancelled all our plans, delayed shooting and prolonged the inevitable. I’ve become comfortable in the waiting; the end has been something in the future. March alone lasted for years, November was a life time away.

But today shooting ends. The set is closed down, there is no more bunker, no more hunting. Everyone has gone home. Cast and fans alike are sharing pictures, saying their “thank yous” for more than we can imagine.

I was going to wait until the show was over, then write something, ideally something inspiring and poignant, that seems unlikely today.

I shouldn’t be surprised but I am. I thought I had this under control, that I could handle the end. I knew it would be harder without my friends, after months of not seeing anyone, but I wasn’t expecting to be hit quite so hard by shooting wrapping up.

No, I shouldn’t be surprised, but Supernatural always surprises me. I’m still surprised that a show I didn’t want to watch has become essential. I didn’t know I was a fangirl until Supernatural. I didn’t know I had a silly side until I fell in a pile of giggles after my first op.  I didn’t know I could be struck speechless until the first time I tried to talk Rob Benedict. I didn’t know I could have such amazing friends until I met the fandom. I didn’t know I was a writer until Supernatural. I didn’t really believe I was enough, until Supernatural. I didn’t know that the end of a show could feel so much like grief, I do now.

This show, the cast, the cons, the things and people I’ve found along the way, they have shown me so much that I didn’t know, taught me so many important lessons. A few years ago I apologized for being a fan girl I was ashamed of being passionate, of being impacted so deeply, now I’m just grateful.

I’ve written one book on the experience, there are so many more stories to tell since then, I’ll do it someday. There’s not a part of my life right now that can’t be traced back to the show, from my writing to my move to Seattle. My support system, my friends, the family I’ve found at Random Acts and the courage I’ve found in my travels.

I know, at some level, that I won’t lose these things. The relationships I’ve found, the memories, the music, it will withstand the end of the show, it all runs deeper than the newest episode now. It still hurts, and it’s still scary.

For years now, this is where I went when the world got overwhelming and scary, lately it has seemed that’s all the world is. The bright spots continued to be the people I’ve met, hope for the next time we meet, the next adventure. It’s sad and it’s scary to realize that a part of that is over, that it will be different.

Right now, we don’t really know when the next convention will be or what it will look like. We don’t know what photo ops will look like, if they will be the experiences we have always loved. The end of the show will change things further, it’s unavoidable.

We do know that the impact Supernatural has had will not fade, we know that though everyone may move on what was built, what we found is special.  We also know that we have family now, that won’t end, no matter what.

Through this show and the fandom, I’ve found my path and my people, I’ve found my voice, and done things I never thought I could. I’m grateful, more so than I could ever express. There will be more to say, more goodbyes, and undoubtedly more feelings.

For now I’ll join in by saying thank you Supernatural, for the memories, the music,  the courage, the adventures, my and my family. Remember “nothing ever really ends”.