It has been an amazing and baffling month. On this day last month I started a journey that wasn’t really part of my plan. I had intended on a weekend get a way with a friend, a chance to sleep in, meet new people and enjoy a shared interest in our favorite television show. I got all that, and a lot more. Since coming home I truly have a sense of renewed hope. I’m excited about my life and what might happen next, a complete turn around from my previously anxious self, always worried about what might happen next.
I have always wanted to be a person that made a difference, an example to others. I wanted, and still do, to spread love and kindness. I want to save the world, in any small way that I can. For far too long I had cut my life down to only the essentials, I worked, I struggled to balance family and finances, to prioritize my time, often neglecting to include time for the things that interested me, the things I was passionate about. I did this for so long that I had forgotten what some of those things were. I forgot how to relax or have fun, I stopped looking for opportunities for change or to create change, I kinda lost track of who I was outside out of a mother, wife and professional. I will forever be grateful for my experience at the convention that opened my eyes to this and once again instilled in me that feeling of hope and passion.
I once again believe that I can make a difference, a big one. There is a chance I could be wrong, but even if I am, I’d much rather live my life trying to do so than being scared of being wrong. What harm can come of taking chances to empower and help others. I have begun looking for opportunities to help in small ways and big ones, I’m depending a little more on intuition, making choices based on my feelings rather than my anxiety.
I always wanted to believe that life could be amazing, maybe even magical; that everything happens for a reason and that if you trusted in the universe or God, or whatever label you want to give, that everything would work out, that we could really change the world and our own lives with our intentions, our feelings and our actions. The last few weeks have proven that to be true. I have taken one chance after another, putting myself out there in ways that I never thought I could. I asked for a business card, that led to emails, to research to the potential of sharing my story with someone who has unknowingly changed my life. I started writing something to clear my head, now I’m working on a book. I put out a call for similar stories and I’ve made new friends, met and editor and maybe found a publisher. It’s like walking down a hall, I try every door I find and I’m amazed how many are opening and where they are leading.
I have waited a month now for these feelings to wear off. To get back to being nervous and anxious for all of those problems that were plaguing me before I left to return. In some regards nothing has changed, I make the same amount of money, the same job, I still have cars that need fixed and challenges at work, but none of those things seem quite big or important as they were before. I believe that all of these things will work out. I will continue to work towards solutions on my own, I’m not coming from a place of crazy, assuming the universe will take care of everything for me; but I do believe that the ways to solve these problems will be shown to me if I keep taking chances and opening doors.
Initially I worried that I was a little crazy. Anxiety and depression had been the norm for so long that it felt almost irresponsible to be happy, to have faith or hope, without reason or proof. I’m mostly over that, there is some underlying fear, that I will annoy others with my passion and excitement, with my constant positivity, I worry a little that while I discover myself, those I love will discover that they don’t love me. For the most part though, I’m just happy, I’m ridiculously excited to see what life has in store for me. I keep finding more opportunities to spread light, love and kindness and it is returned to me ten fold every time I do. The world is a little broken right now, hate is spreading like wildfire, we have a chance to douse the flames. We can save the world, through one small act at a time, we can be the hope.