Carry On

This looks to be another time of transition. Last night a significant part of my life ended. Characters I’ve loved, a show that in no small way, changed my life ended. Tonight I look towards the next adventure.

I cried last night, much more than I thought I would. At nearly forty, I should be past the age of crying over fictional characters, but I’m not. I cried at the loss, I cried because it is over. I probably cried because it has been a stressful, dumpster fire of a year and I just needed to, but I also cried in gratitude.

I’m grateful for this show, more than I can ever express. As I sit here tonight, running numbers, weighing options, wondering if I dare to take one more leap of faith, I have to keep in mind that I wouldn’t be here right now if not for this show.

Before Supernatural, and my first convention ,I didn’t like to go anywhere alone, I didn’t like to leave my house if I didn’t have to. I wouldn’t talk to strangers, I didn’t have many friends. I barely engaged in social media, I would type or text, then over think and delete. I tried to act and dress and be the way I thought I was supposed to. I didn’t relax or give myself permission to be silly. It was a stressful and anxiety ridden existence.

After stumbling into the fandom little by little I came out of my shell. I made friends, we wrote a book, and a few people actually read it. I went to a couple more cons and I found myself on a plane to Minnesota to share a hotel room with someone I didn’t know. A long way from being anxious to drive to a friends house by myself.

 Since then, I’ve taken road trips from Virginia to Nashville, Florida to Atlanta, Missouri to Austin, mostly with people I had only met in person once. I’ve been all over the country now, made friends I couldn’t live without. I have really fun stories that make very little sense about Ubers and kazoos and the dude playing guitar in the lobby of a Hilton.

This show gave me friends that encourage and inspire me, they make a better person. It showed me that the way I was living, anxious and afraid, didn’t have to continue. It taught me how to fight my demons, how to seek and accept help.

It introduced me to a band. That band helped me to mend my relationship with my mother. They inspired me to write again and brought me to Seattle. They’ve done so much more.

I’ve been here a little over a year. Just a few years ago I was doing work I loved for people I didn’t like. I was sad and stressed all of the time, I panicked every time I got an email, even more when the phone rang.

I came to Seattle for a weekend, to see the band I found through the show, and I fell in love with the city. My newfound supportive friends and courage, brought me out here six months later.

Tonight, I’m looking at financial statements and I’m preparing to take a big step, to purchase the clinic I moved out here to work at. I have friends now that are encouraging me, that are supportive. I have confidence that I lacked before, and when I falter or doubt I have a chosen family to pick me up.

It was a show, one that I didn’t even want to watch at first. Through this show I have found myself, found my path. I’m grateful I don’t have to walk it alone. It’s over now, we’ve said goodbye to the boys. There won’t be anymore new episodes to share together, no more monster of the week, no more lore to check.

So yes, I cried for all those losses, I’m still not sure I’ve fully accepted that it’s over. I cried for what the show has brought me, for the friends I desperately miss right now, for what my life may had been like had I not found it.

More than sad, I am grateful. I am grateful for every person I’ve met through this fandom, every adventure, concert, road trip, tattoo and questionable choice, the acts of kindness and silliness, the courage, creativity, music and inspiration. I’m grateful to be right here tonight, in Seattle, looking at spread sheets, preparing for the next adventure. Thank you Supernatural.

One thought on “Carry On

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